Category: Dating and Relationships
Hello, Everyone. I've decided to post this topic, because it's rather confusing for me. If you had a couple as friends, and you knew one isn't happy with the other, would you tell the other person? I have two friends who will be parents for the first time, and though they've been living together for a little more than a year, he says he isn't happy with her, because she doesn't act her age and that turns him off. Also, he's crossed the line by telling me he wants me as a girl on the side! now that has never even crossed my mind, nor have I given wayfor him to feel motivated in such way! I was very clear as to where I stand, I told him that No way would I even consider that, I said I'd feel like a traitor and that she doesn't deserve that. I also asked him how he'd feel about it, if he'd feel guilty about doing something like that, and his responce was no. But he feels trapped with the baby on the way, and, though he says he wouldn't leave her, he says that he's not happy with her. I pointed out to him, that it's not fair what he's doing, and that it was his choice to take her in, he's known her for as long as I have and she's always been the way she is, and he's gotta live with his mistakes. I feel so bad for her, because she may be stubbern and cry a lot when they argue, but she really loves this guy. She's happy with him, she says to love him deeply and is aware of changes she'd need to make, but whenever she talks to me about her side of the problems, she says that he doesn't see that she's trying to doo all that she can to make him happy. I'm so confused. Part of me wants to tell her, to avoid her from getting hurt even more, but another part of me doesn't, because it's not my business. Ugh I don't know... I really need some opinions on this, perhaps I'm doing wrong? I really don't know anymore...
Hi there,
Please bear in mind that anything I say hereafter should be taken with a grain of salt. I don't really know you, and I don't know these friends even a tiny bit, and that does matter a little.
From my true outsider's perspective, though, this is what I see. First and foremost, this is their issue to work out, and it sounds as if you getting involved would be problematic for just about everyone included in the difficulties. I've seen and been in a couple of sticky situations, admittedly not quite like this but close enough to see a lot of different angles. Honestly, I think your best bet here is, when you're talking to this guy next, tell him to be open with his girlfriend/wife/whatever she actually is to him. He's got to tell her where he stands, even if it hurts her. You telling her will be bad for two reasons: first, it should come from him and it may get her back up if it doesn't...and second, she may resent you if he then corroborates it, and if you care about a friendship with her, you may have serious trouble.
It's a horrible shame when people reach this point, start feeling trapped enough to do what he's doing with you. Good for you for not caving, by the way; you probably don't want to be "that woman" if you know what I mean.
I don't see this situation as hopeless...and hell, maybe if he's able to really air things with her, he will either find that the misery isn't so deep, or will find that, given this greater motivation, she tries to change a little. Not everyone can change, past a certain point anyway, but oftentimes it just takes a really good scare. I never endorse the tactic of scaring someone to make them change...but again, I've been there, and depending on circumstances and the desires of all involved, it can work.
So, in a nutshell, I'd say you should keep out of it. Tell him you're not going to get involved and, if you want to give him a bit of a shake, maybe tell him (even if you don't mean to do this) that the next time he seriously considers having you on the side or whatnot, you'll let her in on it too. II might seem slimy to threaten him that way if you don't mean to go through with it, but if he's a good guy (and he might well be, I'll not judge), then it will just startle him, make him realize he was out of line in a way a scolding probably wouldn't, and that may be an end to that.
I hope even a little of this has helped, and I hope that things do work out, for you and for your friends. Everyone deserves to be happy.
And yes...before anyone else comments (assuming they would), I'm aware that I first said I don't endorse scaring people and then essentially said to startle this guy. By "scare people" I more meant brow-beating, intimidating, bullying, not just giving them a shake and making them second-guess what they're doing. Don't ever throw your weight around purely because you can, I suppose. If you have to use a slightly different tactic to impress upon someone that what they're doing, or have done, is wrong, then go for it. Admittedly, if he's the sort of guy who will listen to a stern telling-off, no threats included, then do that instead and totally avoid that side of things if you wish. Power to both of you if that's how it works out.
Oh my goodness. That's such a tough thing. So much gray area. One part of me says to tell her, but another part says no, to let it run its course. For example, I lived next to a girl whose boyfriend was borderline abusive. Or rather, we'll say, close enough. I woke up and fell asleep to them fighting, her crying, him throwing things, and eventually he did hit her. I got involved, and that did not blow over well. My safety was in jeopardy, and I could have lost her as a friend. The entire hall hated me for it. I could have called the cops, but I wanted to talk to them first. I did the right thing, and yet I did the wrong thing. So anyway, this is kind of a non-answer, but at least you will know you are not alone. My best advice is to remove yourself from the situation, for your own sanity; you and I are both very caring people, and we can get too emotionally involved. Particularly because the guy wants you, I would back off. But as for telling the girl, I have no idea what you should do. I would suggest to him that he man up and talk to her himself, and if he isn't going to leave her, then to make a compromise. But that's just me.
Thank you, Sheperdwolf! Actually, I told him to tell hher where he stands and how he feels, that it should be him who should tell her, and he sais that every time he tries to tell her how he feels, she cries about it and makes a big drama. =I told him I want nothing to do with this anymore, and, all he said to me is that he needs attention, that he was afraid to fall for me even more! ugh... :'(
I can understand you, Melisa... Thanks, I'll think about it
Well I largely agree with Shepherdwolf and others who say keep your head down. Now, if you're going to interfere in a situation of violence, be prepared to do violence. I mean it, only do so if you know what you're doing and are willing to do what it takes to disable your opponent.
But with relationships? I realize this is a area chicks especially, though some guys are like this too, are quite prone to have strong opinions about, and want to mix it up with, to help change the situation. But don't.
And, if I were you, for your own safety I would avoid the guy. First, if I read you right, you did say no. Call me old school, but in my book no means no means no permanent and period. If I propositioned a woman and she said no, I left. End of discussion.
Now for you you should do likewise because he is not taking no for an answer and you are actually now no longer safe in that situation. Especially in light of your most recent post. There are other ways a man may get his need met, but you obviously pointed out you aren't interested. Seriously for your own safety it's time to back the hell off, and just create your own distance between you and him, and don't get mad and upset if he does something you don't like with someone else. Empathize with the girl, sure, if you want, and I am one who has not strayed from the nest that way myself, but for your own safety first, think of your own interest in not being approached, regardless of what he does with someone else.
Just my thoughts.
Oh and if you do come off as a little prim and proper, often that is the very thing some men who may perpetrate a situation would find very attractive. Better to come off wise to the world.
Wow, Sir Leo... I've deffenitely told him I'm backing off, but he keeps on calling me so I told him to stop, that the next time he calls me I'd tell her, I'm tired of this! :'(
Ok, Here's what I think. It's not your place to tell the girl that the boyfriend is unhappy with her.
I don't know these two friends of yours, but here's what I've derived from your posts.
The guy is a jerk and a coward who wants to do the right thing but on his own terms. the girl is oversensative and probably makes the situation a million times worse by being a drama queen. Now, before you chastize me for offending your friends, understand that I don't know them, and though they may be good people, you've presented them in this instance as a couple of deeply flawed people.
Here's what's inevitable. They won't stay together, mark my words. Whether before the baby's born or after, this train wreck will be over. If one party in a relationship is unhappy, the entire relationship is an unhappy one. She may tell you she really loves the guy, she may say she's happy, but she's either very insecure about herself in general (which I derive from the frequent crying spells you mention), and she's very clingy. She's obviously oblivious to his unhappiness because she doesn't take the time to communicate with him properly. Long story short, two people who created a child are on two totally separate pages, and that will not end well.
Stay out of it. He needs to man up and tell her he's not happy. It's not your place to tell. However, here's one acception. He seems to be harassing you via phone. if that's the case, you call his girlfriend and say he's not giving you a break. Tell her to tell him to lay off. Thats' going to give him a wake up call, and it might alert her to his unhappiness. but I would not say anymore.
Maybe what I suggest is going to cause a tiny bit of drama, but at least this way you're excusing yourself out of the situation for good. You can empathize with her, as someone already said, but I wouldnt' keep talking to him. He's clearly a jerk who needs to get his act together and be straight with his girl instead of looking for someone to satisfy him on the side.
Thank you, Bernadetta... Next time he calls I'll literally tell him to fuck off, or if not I'm gonna tell his girl... see if he'll stop.
I suggest you report the harassment to the police. Are you now avoiding your phone to avoid his advances? What about your Brent's? You're being chased off your phone, aren't you?
So just like being chased off your property, you'd be calling the police.
I removed him from my contacts, so I don't answer a call from any unsaved number
I agree with others on here. You'll want to be extremely careful in these situations. I've defeninitely been with the sort of overly sensitive women you described and I've observed friends in relationships with guys such as you described here. However much you might wish to help the better course is definitely to back off since you really don't know what your words or actions might cause. I definitely try not to get involved in other people's relationships and it always makes me uncomfortable when people try to draw me ito the middle.
*says in a sing-song voice* Awkward! Really wish I new how to make Jaws sing that.
Anyway, once a cheater, always a cheater. Ug, how unfortunate for you to be caught in the middle.
With whom are you better friends, Miss Drama, or Mr. Chicken-shit? If I were in your position, and if I were better friends with her than him, then I'd be more likely to tell her that he's making propositions. However, be prepared for her to misdirect her anger toward you rather than him - shooting the messenger and all that. If I were her, I would want to know, even though I might not realize that at the time. Then again, it doesn't sound as if she's overly stable so who knows.
I got the impression from your post that you're better friends with him. In that case, run. Run for the hills because that's going to be nothing but drama. Whatever you decide, this relationship will in all likelyhood end, and not end well. None of that will be your fault. I feel bad for the baby, as I'm sure you do.
I hope he pisses off.
Hello
I def would not get involved in it. Also, lets say you did tell her and then he went and said none of that was true. Not saying he would but you never know with relationships now days. Hope you can still be there friend without this getting in the way.
Hmmm. That is a hairy situation to be stuck in. I wouldn't worry so much about his friendship honestly. Do whatever you have to to get him off your back. I agree with what everyone else has been said. It's their relationship, and they are the ones who need to decide what is best for them, and hopefully what is best for their child as well. It isn't necessarily a bad thing if they decide to separate, but hopefully they both choose to stay involved with the child if that is what they truly want.
I agree with much of what Writer has said, but I’m going to approach it from a different angle.
He wants some sex from you, and attention.
She is pregnant now, so may not be giving him the time he needs, and even if she is, he’s decided he doesn’t want her.
Why he doesn’t want her doesn’t matter, he doesn’t.
Now, you are in two places. If you like her you’ll not get involved with him, nor will you tell her he’s hitting on you. It is possible she’ll get mad and tell you are lying.
He’s going to tell her you are lying, and if she wants him you’ll be the outsider.
Now, if you don’t care about her, then you get him, but remember he did this to her, so you might get the same if you should get pregnant
I’d not report him to the police, nor call it harassment, he is your friend, and likes you, so there is no harm in him trying.
If you really don’t want him say so, and tell him that if he doesn’t stop asking you’ll stop talking to him period, and do it.
Don’t say it, and not do it.
Now, you can continue talking to her as a friend and she’ll figure it out, or she want, but you’ll not end up the liar.
If you are going to continue to be his friend flat tell him what you think about him asking you to be his second girl. Tell him exactly why you’d not do it, because you like her and respect her. That might get you back to friendship base only with him
Last, if you must, get them both together in a place you are on your on turf, maybe on the phone. Tell them both you like them, and lay the situation out honestly. Say you are doing this because you wish to remain both their friend. Tell the truth, and tell them you aren’t there to judge, you just don’t want to be the third wheel and that they need to work it out.
Tell her she can rest sure you won’t want him and tell him he can rest sure you won’t talk about him to her.
That is what I’d do. Simple get them together and tell them straight, but that requires you understand you might lose them both.
Well, umm... lets see. I agree with much that has been said here myself. However, I'm more friends with her than him, because she talks to me more than he does, eccept that he calls me more and in these cases I don't answer. I care about her, because I know she's had a very rough life, I care about her baby, I care about her feelings, but he doesn't. He says that he needs to look for what's not being given to him at home, and, that he can't be bitter the rest of his life. It's his fault, he chose to be with her, to take her in, to give her a stable life that he now regrets. And this is all because she doesn't want to go out to places with him, accept when they have gigs, and he doesn't like the life of going to work, and then back home, to their gigs, and then home. She's going to school too. She's 21 & he's 30. I told him to talk to her and tell her how he feels, and he said she crys when he does so, and she always threatens to leave him. But moving in with him was one of these situations where she had problems with the mom because taking advantage of the SSI and she decided to leave. And when she tells me her side of it, she says that she feels unappreciated, as if nothing she ever does is enough for him. I've backed off from him, I think she'll notice but I won't tell because she might resent me or something and I'm afraid to lose her, because I know she has a good heart. He's a selfish jerk, I say.
I don't think he's selfish. I don't know the total situation, and I'd bet you don't either. Smile.
Tell them both. It will really solve things for you, but don't tell her, if I'm making sense.
If he truly doesn't want her, help her to get settled is the manly way to deal with it, take care of his child, and move on. But, don't sit around making it worse.
Okay, if I had it to do.
I am assuming much here, because I don’t know your level of attraction to him and I don’t know your level of caring for her, so this is general.
Call them on the phone so you are all on the same call, or if you travel well and can leave on your own steam right after you do this go visit, or invite them out to lunch or something.
Here is how my side of the conversation would be.
I’ve gotten us together because I need to tell you both something.
It has come to me that you are both having problems with your relationship.
A. I like you and think you are a fine man. B. I won’t be getting involved in your relationship from any point. Now While I am happy you think so highly of me A. I’d never get involved with you as long as you are having a relationship with her, because I respect and like her much He’s going to have to tell you his problems B. because I don’t feel it is my place to try to fix your relationship I’d like to remain friends with both of you, but to do this I need you both to not involve me,. Maybe you both can find someone to help you both, but I’m not able. Now after you say that is your time to leave, or hang up, because you’ll have dropped the hammer.
Eat the lunch first if you take them out, then talk. Smile.
Wayne, good points, though I'm not, by any means, trying to make this any worst, nor do I feel any attraction twards him, I just found him as a friend...
So it turns out I'm not the onby girl he's done this to, and his girlfriend does not talk to those young ladies anymore.
have you done what has been suggested, and talked to them about it?
if you want to maintain your friendship with the girl, perhaps sattlely tell her about what happen, or hinting about it. If abusive behaviour is involve in this relationship, it is not your place or your judge to consider what is worth or not for the girl to stay or to go. In domestic violent situation, often the theird person can make it worse. in worse case situation, and if she's somewhat childish, she will be more likely to listen to him than to you.
Having both to talk at the same time may or may not work in this relationship. If you have them both on the same line, few things can happen. The guy will deny everything or most thing, they both will be defending each other, or, the girl will accept what you said but could be in danger of him being abusive to her later on when you finish the call.
Honestly, you can't do much now, perhaps, the best thing you can do is to provide the emotional support to your girl friend, and making sure that you and him is a clean and clear cut.
As far as what happen to them both, well, unless she's so blinded by his lies and so childish that she willing to live in a made up life, if not, she, herself, will have some sort of ideas as to what is happening with them both, with her, and with him.
I was actually going to post further. I didn't even have a chance to talk to her, because when I felt it was right, she said, yeah, I know you've been after my man, you're such a fake person. So she stopped talking to me after he cut contact with me. I can't do anything but let them be. Fortunately I'm out of it, though. I guess she's blinded by her love for him. But all I know is that I am not the only one he's done this to. I wonder who's next? Hopefully noone.
and I meant either, in my post before the previous, sorry.
that's just it, though. in life, no matter how much you may like to control what does or doesn't happen to other people, you can only control how you deal with what happens to you, and how you act when in a drama filled situation as the above seemed to be.
it's good you're out of it, though. that's probably the best thing for everyone.
Right. All I ever hope, though, is that one day, just one day she'll open her eyes and realize what a big mistake she's made. Because eventually she'll end up being not the first nor the last single mother out there.
You can't save them all.
If you didn't have that chance, it is not your fault what happens to them.
I have seen men beat or mis treat women badly. I've stepped in to keep her from being beaten.
After the first time, I don't do it again. Because you know what? I was the bad guy.
He loves me, and I understand him. She says this while you are patching her bloody face.
Strange, but true.
Wayne's last post is right on, and that's exactly the reason I said what I said.
I'm going to have to agree with post 2. It's not your issue.
Hi,
The next time the guy tries to talk to you about how unhappy he is with her, tell him to stop and talk to his girlfriend. It's not fair to you that he's bringing you into their relationship, especially as you and she are friends as well. Plus, he's kind of a jerk for telling you he'd like to get some with you on the side. He has a baby on the way (or perhaps already here by now). He needs to man up and deal with his relationship issues. It's not good for a kid to grow up in an unhappy home. Either commit to working it out or leave and be co-parents.
I thank you for all your advise, though I'm not talking to them anymore